


witness

by vvelna



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 23:15:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16168778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vvelna/pseuds/vvelna
Summary: Dan films coming out videos the world will never see.





	witness

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is brought to you by the bingo prompt "coming out video"

“I’m not saying you have to upload it; you don’t even have to film it. It’s just a suggestion. I think it might be cathartic for you.”

That’s what a therapist had told Dan in 2014. Film a coming out video, just for you. He’d scoffed at the idea. But a few days later he found himself in front of the camera, feeling shaky and sick, barely able to make eye contact with the lens.

He’d filmed dozens. In some of them he rambled on and on, in a few he just turned the camera on, said a few succinct sentences, and turned it off. Some he scripted down to every last word, others he jumped into with absolutely no preparation.

The first one Dan ever made was angry and defensive. Even though he knew his audience would never see the video, he still approached it like he was speaking to them. He blamed them for his fear, his self-hatred, his pain.

Future videos had different styles. For some he went for the humorous approach. He told anecdotes about the moments in his life that had shaped his understanding of his sexuality. The first time he had a crush on a boy. The time he blundered through telling his girlfriend he thought he might be bisexual. The first time he masturbated to gay porn. (That was definitely a story he was never going to share in a video in any universe.)

Other videos took a more philosophical approach. He pondered various questions: were coming out videos necessary? Were labels helpful or harmful? (Or both?), Why did the world expect queer people to make explicit declarations about their identities, but let straight people just exist unquestioned? Was he queerbaiting if he didn’t make a clear declaration about his sexuality? (And where did Phil factor into all this?)

Dan didn’t edit the videos. He rarely rewatched them, and when he did, it was only bits and pieces, never the entirety of the footage. He liked the idea of one day making a compilation video with clips from every one he’d filmed over the years, but that seemed like a lot of effort to go to for something no one else was ever going to see.

He was paranoid. He kept the footage on external hard drives, in password protected folders. He didn’t want any of it ever getting out. He wasn’t ashamed of who he was, but if he was ever going to make a grand statement about it, it would be on his own terms. Not accidentally or without his consent. Never again.

*

It was early 2019. Dan was itching to film another coming out video. It was either that or make a series of tweets he knew he’d regret in the morning. But this time he wanted an audience.

He found Phil in the lounge, crumpled into the sofa, laptop resting on his thighs.

“Phil?”

“Hmm?” He didn’t look up from the screen.

“Can you help me with a video?”

Phil sighed. “ _Why?_ You just made a video a month ago. Who _are_ you?”

“It’s not that kind of video. It’s…you know what I mean.”

Phil closed his laptop and put it to the side. He straightened his spine.

Dan could see that Phil was concerned, and maybe a little scared. Dan had never let him eavesdrop while he filmed these videos, and certainly never let him watch them. He knew Phil didn’t really understand why he made them, but was supportive of whatever made Dan feel better.

Dan rushed to reassure him. “I’m not going to post it. It’s just for me. I don’t need you to be on camera or anything. I just want someone to listen this time.”

Phil opened his mouth to speak, but Dan cut him off. “Not someone. You. I want you to listen.”

He held his breath while he waited for a response.

Phil seemed to be searching the floor for an answer. When he looked back up at Dan, his expression was open and calm.

“Okay. Did you want to do it right now?”

“Yes. Right now.” If he didn’t do it right away, he’d lose his nerve. Oddly enough, he'd never really come out to Phil directly. It had just become obvious as their flirtations progressed that, yeah, Dan liked boys. Phil didn’t have to read anything else Dan posted online to get the message.

A few minutes later, Dan set up the camera and pressed record. He sat down. Phil sat on the floor beside the tripod, giving him his full attention. Dan hadn’t scripted this one.

He took a deep breath.

“Hello, inter—hello, Phil.” Dan pulled his eyes away from the camera to look at the person beside it instead. He could tell Phil was holding in a laugh, and it made him smile.

“Today I want to tell you something really important about myself.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> [ reblog/like on tumblr ](https://velvetnautilus.tumblr.com/private/178671044960/tumblr_pfzfe24x1H1wm9q5f)


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